Sunday, June 24, 2012

I dont even know why I'm doing this

I don't feel OK. I haven't felt good in a long time, its like I'm enveloped in this deep dark blackness that wont go way. I enjoy things once in a while but these glimpses of normalness, even happiness maybe, are just that, glimpses; fleeting and gone before I know it. I hate my body, my room, my friends, my family, myself, everything!

I had a good productive day today. Got up early ( by my standards) bathed the dogs did laundry, fixed Benji's bed (which he didn't even like and refused to lay on unless I physically put him in it, and then he would look at me as if I punished him) and had time for myself and my internet wanderings. I joined tumblr and found a bunch of amazing photos and followed the steam powered giraffe boys a while. Rabbit is so inspirational she accepts herself and is so strong, it makes me feel even more hollow because I cant even deal with things that are insignificant compared to what she has gone through. Saw some pretty pictures that made me smile but then I realized I will never look anywhere near as awesome as these girls look nor will I have the things I so admire and want.

I feel trapped and lonely, my family is content with having their own things to do and my friends all have lives and concerns of their own that don't fit me in in any way. I feel like I cant tell anyone about this because I feel like they don't want to hear it, at best because it will make them sad and they don't want to be sad  (I also don't tell them because I dont want to make them sad) and at worst because they simply don't care.

 I am my own worst enemy, I know I should get up and walk and do things to take my mind away. I should probably be on some kind of medication to make me more "normal" walk to get rid of the weight I hate, get back into my art even though I know I'm not good enough to ever amount to anything. Put in the effort to contact my friends even though I know they wont respond or that at least it will take hours of me agonizing by my phone and social networks checking them every two minutes even though I know the replies I want aren't there.

I feel like I've chased everyone off and the ones I " haven't" dont really care enough to realize that I'm in so much pain, or is it just that I'm such a good little actress? or that I've established this routine that me being antisocial and alone all the time has become my pattern and considered normal? Have I pushed everyone I so desperately need so far away that they think its what I want? those last two are probably right, I know it

I hate them sometimes, its normal for me to go days, weeks even without a friendly word or even a hello from my so called friends. And then again I hate myself more because when they do talk to me I tend to let my resentment get the better of me and reply sparsely and flippantly as if I never needed them in the first place which of course I do.  I hate how afraid I am of everything, i never tell anyone how I really feel because I'm scared that I will scare them off, that they will realize just how much I really am weird and fucked up and not worthy of their attention, time or love.

I cry myself to sleep most nights, but no-one would know it, I've gotten good at hiding my sobs and burying them in my pillow. The only witnesses are Benji and buddy. Benji doesn't understand why I'm crying and most of the time just sleeps right through it ( dogs! I hate him for it too sometimes, hes supposed to be my best friend and connect with me when no-one else does) and buddy is a stuffed animal. Sometimes I feel like he is my only true friend. How fucked up and pathetic is that? that I feel my only true friend is a fucking stuffed animal?

And then I go back to hating myself. I mean really what am I but a whiny kid? my life isn't that bad really. I have no responsibilities and no expectations ( well at the moment because its summer) my family doesn't mess with my life or complain about me, although really what is there to complain about? I stay in my room all day and dont make waves of any sort. I have no life for them to disprove of.

I have no idea who I'm writing this too or even why I'm doing it. Probably just so I can get these feelings out somewhere so that they dont bubble up inside and make me scream. Screaming would not be good I would wake my parents and be forced to lie about how I freaked out about a bug or something, it would probably work too and if it didn't it would be worse because my mom would see me cry and I would make her sadder than she already is.

I think I'll try to sleep now and drift away to the best place in my life, the darkness and nothingness of sleep. When your asleep, no one asks you to do anything. No one expects anything of you. And you dont have to face any of your troubles.

I dont know what I'm gonna do with this thing I've written, I should probably post it somewhere, so that maybe on an off-chance someone will read it and see all these things I can never say out loud. I will, even just to prove to myself what I already know, that nothing will happen. But maybe...

Its probably better if I just delete it and forget it ever existed

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Red & Black Week Day 5: Birthday Dinner and Aplique Bats

Yes I Am officially 23 so yay me? I've been inconsistent in my posting for this event but honestly because of my recent weight gain most of my red clothes don't fit so I was caught unprepared this year. Maybe next year I will do better?

I wanted to have at least one good outfit post for the week however so last night I rushed to complete a sewing project I had left on the back burner a long time ago. It was originally going to be a T-shirt dress but ended up looking better as a tunic length shirt and I'm OK with that. The little bats were a last minute addition that I absolutely adore; I decided I wanted to go for a DIY feel and refrained from being my usual perfectionist self and use contrasting thread and uneven quick stitches to get them on and the result is something I'm quite happy with.

The full body pictures aren't the greatest or most flattering to be sure because once gain I planned on having more pictures taken at the event and it never happened. We were more interested in talking and enjoying dinner than taking pictures, so I'm sorry for the bad pics. My brother and I have our birthday's three days apart so we decided to have the dinner on one of the in between days.

My brother isn't the greatest of photographers :(

another faceless picture once again! 
(my dogs decided to wreak havoc on my room, must fix that)

Yes this picture is super blurry but I love how the bats look like they are moving heheh

Hope you had a good red & black week, don't think I will be posting anything for the finale but I cant wait to see what amazing things are posted tomorrow!

Much love and spookiness


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Red and Black Week Day 3 : Birthday Wish List

My birthday is tomorrow (yay me?) and I've decided to scroll through my favorites on Etsy and Ebay to select some things that fit the red and black theme for today's post, so without further ado.... oh and keep in mind that these are just wishful thinking on my part not actual attainable goals

I will go with dresses first:

This is the Fireside Flannel Dress, its warm and gorgeous and so simple to style!

This is the Kreepsville 666 Red Skeleton Bones Tunic Dress much Gothier and equally easy to style in many more ways

Next I have tops:

This is the Frances Blouse and it is gorgeous, I especially love the flounce on the bottom

Every Goth girl needs a corset and I've had my eye on this one for  a while now it is a Brocade Longline Corset

Finally I have accessories:

This wonderful little creation is called the Tsumami Kanzashi Brooch  but you can have it set as a hair flower as well,
 I love the origami feel it has to it.

Last but not least are these Soundwave Platform Wedges that I originally saw on Facebook. I would rock these on a daily basis but even more so at a show.

Well there you go that is my red and black week birthday wish list

Much Love & Spookiness


Monday, June 4, 2012

What is a "Closet Goth" Anyway? And Why I Am One.

My only two posts so far have been participating in theme posts and I'm not happy about that. When I renamed this blog I planned on using it regularly as a creative outlet but I've done nothing since.  My recent return into the depths of depression, the breakup it resulted from and subsequent apathy are completely to blame for that.

So now that I've finally gotten myself around to it I will introduce myself and what this blog is supposed to be about.  My name is Cristina, although I go by Cris, I'm 22 (23 in 3 days) and I am a self- proclaimed closet Goth

What is a closet Goth you ask? Well it’s a term I started using to describe myself and that I've recently discovered at least one other person uses (Amy from Stripy Tights and Dark Delights ). Basically it describes someone who has dark and Gothy interests but for some reason or another doesn’t really express it through their appearance as much as others in the subculture; some even to the point of not being recognized as anything other than "normal".

As to my personal reasons for not being more obviously Goth, well there’s a few. First I am Mexican (yes shocker seeing as I’m as white as can be) and come from a family who isn’t entirely accepting of "being different" I was constantly teased and hurt when I was growing up by aunts and cousins who tried to get me to wear more color and be more "girly"  even to the point of making me hate my birthday because all I ever  got where presents that were intended to make me be more like them; pink clothes, pastel colored makeup, frilly floral smelling things and the like.

Naturally being a lonely child I did try to fit in with them but was terribly unhappy about it, not to mention unsuccessful. As a consequence I hid my real interests and became increasingly isolated, there isn’t many Goths in these parts I’m sad to say so it wasn’t like I could just hang out with people with like interests instead of suffering through trying to fit in. As I grew older I proved myself to be someone who won’t just back down and take the abuse anymore. Unfortunately it had to take the form of angry outbursts that earned me quite a reputation as a troublemaker and a sulky disrespectful child who was unable to take "constructive" criticism. I started avoiding family get-togethers and if I was forced to go to one I would spend my time alone in a secluded corner with my nose stuck in a book.  In essence I was the very image of the stereotypical mopey, angry and anti-social baby bat. Although I aspired to be something more like this:

My second reason was and still is (a little) fear.  This one is family related as well, but also related to society in general. As I mentioned before I’m probably the whitest Mexican you will ever meet and that made me stand out and become an object of jealousy and bullying when I was growing up. At one point I hated the very paleness of my skin that I now strive so hard to protect! And of course I hated my freckles as well, I mean I didn’t even fit into the subculture I loved with the perfect death white skin; I mean how many Goths do you know with freckles? Doesn’t exactly fit the aesthetic does it?

I already stood out as it was and got bullied mercilessly without adding fuel to the fire so I stayed away from doing much, other than wearing a lot of black. Obviously my confidence has gone waay up since then but I am still wary of standing out too much. I mean I recently bought a red bathing suit that is the most flattering one I have ever owned and yet I almost didn’t wear it because it’s of such a loud color.

My third and most pressing deterrent to being as Goth on the outside as I am on the inside is simple: Money. My family is strictly middle class and growing up I lived in hand me downs it was a treat to have something that hadn’t been worn by someone else before me, I wasn’t exactly going to ask for it. Now that I am older and my family is much better off than we were when I was growing up it is still hard for me to ask for money even if it’s for something I really need like bus money so clothing is kind of out of the question. I am currently looking for a job but well no luck on that front... yet. All the pretties I want and like tend to be on the expensive side. How does the saying go? Caviar taste on a ramen noodles budget heheheh.
Thankfully I've grown into myself and now plan to expand my wardrobe and style to incorporate my tastes better and this blog is part of that. Well that’s it for the moment

Much Love and Spookiness


Red and Black Week Day 2: Wigs and Bathing Suits

The time has finally come for one of my favorite weeks of the year! Not only is it my birthday week it is also Sophistique Noir's red and black week. I of course didn't make the cutoff point of day one so this will have to be for day two.... oh well

My first post will be shorter than I had planned however. I knew I would be going to the pool with some friends for a pre B-day bash and since my new bathing suit is red and my normal cover up is a big black scarf I planned to use the pictures taken at said bash. That is of course until the moment I realized that in the rush to get out of the house I had forgotten my memory card and only had the two pictures I had taken before I left :-<.

Yes no face because for some reason this angle was the only way I could get both the the suit and the cover-up in the picture while taking it myself. (It also just might be because I was rushed and too pressed for time to figure out a better way)

In a last minute trawl through my pictures I found only one other picture I could use today.  Its of me wearing my recently acquired black wig with a lovely red and black feather flower. The quality isn't great but that is due to the fact that it is a cellphone pic taken on the bus on the way home from my final exam of the semester. 

I also had one other picture that would've qualified but it seems to have disappeared; it was a picture taken from behind while I was wearing the wig and the tips of my real red hair were poking out and it looked like I had black hair with red tips.

Hopefully my entry tomorrow will be much much better.

Much Love and Spookiness


Funny Things to Ponder