Sunday, June 24, 2012

I dont even know why I'm doing this

I don't feel OK. I haven't felt good in a long time, its like I'm enveloped in this deep dark blackness that wont go way. I enjoy things once in a while but these glimpses of normalness, even happiness maybe, are just that, glimpses; fleeting and gone before I know it. I hate my body, my room, my friends, my family, myself, everything!

I had a good productive day today. Got up early ( by my standards) bathed the dogs did laundry, fixed Benji's bed (which he didn't even like and refused to lay on unless I physically put him in it, and then he would look at me as if I punished him) and had time for myself and my internet wanderings. I joined tumblr and found a bunch of amazing photos and followed the steam powered giraffe boys a while. Rabbit is so inspirational she accepts herself and is so strong, it makes me feel even more hollow because I cant even deal with things that are insignificant compared to what she has gone through. Saw some pretty pictures that made me smile but then I realized I will never look anywhere near as awesome as these girls look nor will I have the things I so admire and want.

I feel trapped and lonely, my family is content with having their own things to do and my friends all have lives and concerns of their own that don't fit me in in any way. I feel like I cant tell anyone about this because I feel like they don't want to hear it, at best because it will make them sad and they don't want to be sad  (I also don't tell them because I dont want to make them sad) and at worst because they simply don't care.

 I am my own worst enemy, I know I should get up and walk and do things to take my mind away. I should probably be on some kind of medication to make me more "normal" walk to get rid of the weight I hate, get back into my art even though I know I'm not good enough to ever amount to anything. Put in the effort to contact my friends even though I know they wont respond or that at least it will take hours of me agonizing by my phone and social networks checking them every two minutes even though I know the replies I want aren't there.

I feel like I've chased everyone off and the ones I " haven't" dont really care enough to realize that I'm in so much pain, or is it just that I'm such a good little actress? or that I've established this routine that me being antisocial and alone all the time has become my pattern and considered normal? Have I pushed everyone I so desperately need so far away that they think its what I want? those last two are probably right, I know it

I hate them sometimes, its normal for me to go days, weeks even without a friendly word or even a hello from my so called friends. And then again I hate myself more because when they do talk to me I tend to let my resentment get the better of me and reply sparsely and flippantly as if I never needed them in the first place which of course I do.  I hate how afraid I am of everything, i never tell anyone how I really feel because I'm scared that I will scare them off, that they will realize just how much I really am weird and fucked up and not worthy of their attention, time or love.

I cry myself to sleep most nights, but no-one would know it, I've gotten good at hiding my sobs and burying them in my pillow. The only witnesses are Benji and buddy. Benji doesn't understand why I'm crying and most of the time just sleeps right through it ( dogs! I hate him for it too sometimes, hes supposed to be my best friend and connect with me when no-one else does) and buddy is a stuffed animal. Sometimes I feel like he is my only true friend. How fucked up and pathetic is that? that I feel my only true friend is a fucking stuffed animal?

And then I go back to hating myself. I mean really what am I but a whiny kid? my life isn't that bad really. I have no responsibilities and no expectations ( well at the moment because its summer) my family doesn't mess with my life or complain about me, although really what is there to complain about? I stay in my room all day and dont make waves of any sort. I have no life for them to disprove of.

I have no idea who I'm writing this too or even why I'm doing it. Probably just so I can get these feelings out somewhere so that they dont bubble up inside and make me scream. Screaming would not be good I would wake my parents and be forced to lie about how I freaked out about a bug or something, it would probably work too and if it didn't it would be worse because my mom would see me cry and I would make her sadder than she already is.

I think I'll try to sleep now and drift away to the best place in my life, the darkness and nothingness of sleep. When your asleep, no one asks you to do anything. No one expects anything of you. And you dont have to face any of your troubles.

I dont know what I'm gonna do with this thing I've written, I should probably post it somewhere, so that maybe on an off-chance someone will read it and see all these things I can never say out loud. I will, even just to prove to myself what I already know, that nothing will happen. But maybe...

Its probably better if I just delete it and forget it ever existed

Funny Things to Ponder