Monday, June 4, 2012

What is a "Closet Goth" Anyway? And Why I Am One.

My only two posts so far have been participating in theme posts and I'm not happy about that. When I renamed this blog I planned on using it regularly as a creative outlet but I've done nothing since.  My recent return into the depths of depression, the breakup it resulted from and subsequent apathy are completely to blame for that.

So now that I've finally gotten myself around to it I will introduce myself and what this blog is supposed to be about.  My name is Cristina, although I go by Cris, I'm 22 (23 in 3 days) and I am a self- proclaimed closet Goth

What is a closet Goth you ask? Well it’s a term I started using to describe myself and that I've recently discovered at least one other person uses (Amy from Stripy Tights and Dark Delights ). Basically it describes someone who has dark and Gothy interests but for some reason or another doesn’t really express it through their appearance as much as others in the subculture; some even to the point of not being recognized as anything other than "normal".

As to my personal reasons for not being more obviously Goth, well there’s a few. First I am Mexican (yes shocker seeing as I’m as white as can be) and come from a family who isn’t entirely accepting of "being different" I was constantly teased and hurt when I was growing up by aunts and cousins who tried to get me to wear more color and be more "girly"  even to the point of making me hate my birthday because all I ever  got where presents that were intended to make me be more like them; pink clothes, pastel colored makeup, frilly floral smelling things and the like.

Naturally being a lonely child I did try to fit in with them but was terribly unhappy about it, not to mention unsuccessful. As a consequence I hid my real interests and became increasingly isolated, there isn’t many Goths in these parts I’m sad to say so it wasn’t like I could just hang out with people with like interests instead of suffering through trying to fit in. As I grew older I proved myself to be someone who won’t just back down and take the abuse anymore. Unfortunately it had to take the form of angry outbursts that earned me quite a reputation as a troublemaker and a sulky disrespectful child who was unable to take "constructive" criticism. I started avoiding family get-togethers and if I was forced to go to one I would spend my time alone in a secluded corner with my nose stuck in a book.  In essence I was the very image of the stereotypical mopey, angry and anti-social baby bat. Although I aspired to be something more like this:

My second reason was and still is (a little) fear.  This one is family related as well, but also related to society in general. As I mentioned before I’m probably the whitest Mexican you will ever meet and that made me stand out and become an object of jealousy and bullying when I was growing up. At one point I hated the very paleness of my skin that I now strive so hard to protect! And of course I hated my freckles as well, I mean I didn’t even fit into the subculture I loved with the perfect death white skin; I mean how many Goths do you know with freckles? Doesn’t exactly fit the aesthetic does it?

I already stood out as it was and got bullied mercilessly without adding fuel to the fire so I stayed away from doing much, other than wearing a lot of black. Obviously my confidence has gone waay up since then but I am still wary of standing out too much. I mean I recently bought a red bathing suit that is the most flattering one I have ever owned and yet I almost didn’t wear it because it’s of such a loud color.

My third and most pressing deterrent to being as Goth on the outside as I am on the inside is simple: Money. My family is strictly middle class and growing up I lived in hand me downs it was a treat to have something that hadn’t been worn by someone else before me, I wasn’t exactly going to ask for it. Now that I am older and my family is much better off than we were when I was growing up it is still hard for me to ask for money even if it’s for something I really need like bus money so clothing is kind of out of the question. I am currently looking for a job but well no luck on that front... yet. All the pretties I want and like tend to be on the expensive side. How does the saying go? Caviar taste on a ramen noodles budget heheheh.
Thankfully I've grown into myself and now plan to expand my wardrobe and style to incorporate my tastes better and this blog is part of that. Well that’s it for the moment

Much Love and Spookiness


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