Wednesday, January 9, 2013

The Third: Alex


 This was my longest relationship and lasted 2 ½ years. He helped me get over Mitch and we originally started dating as just a good time and a physical relationship until it turned into more. We were happy for about half the time we were together and then things started going south.  This description may sound like an ex- girlfriend talking shit about her ex – boyfriend but I promise I’m actually just stating facts or things that I believe and that are held to be generally true. I don’t like talking shit about other people, I try not to actually, and I don’t want to be “that” girl. 

  •  He was the first guy I seriously dated who was older than I, a good step in the right direction in retrospect :)

  • I am much smarter than him, and as a consequence of this I had to constantly "dumb myself down" to be able to fit into his life. The loss of my habit of writing and voraciously reading whatever I could were also because of this.

  • I was good for him, I taught him to dress better, helped him with his ADHD, taught him to cook a few things although I’m sure he doesn’t, I made him happy, helped him be less of an ass in public, I introduced him to many people that were also a good influence on him

  • I settled for him and he knew it, he even said so once.

  •  He helped me get over my ex, brought me back form the edge of anorexia (of course that came with a big weight gain), helped me get out of the toxic environment of my sister’s house, introduced me to tabletop gaming, helped me with rides to and from school when I had no money

  • He became the complete center of my life and because of this he could get away with anything, my only interest was to make him happy and I neglected myself as a result. 

  • None of my friends or family liked him or understood our relationship

  • After things went downhill our relationship became an abusive one, although of course he and his family would say I was the abuser because I’m one of those girls who likes to play rough.

  • He was neglectful, selfish, domineering, manipulative and condescending with a terrible temper that seriously made me fear actual physical violence more than once.

  •  In the back of my mind these facts were always blaring at me but I always pushed them to the back of my mind, ignoring them.  The main reason I never broke up with him was out of fear:  fear of never finding someone who would want to be with me other than him, fear of losing the intimacy formed over the long period of time we were together and fear of failing again of “ruining” another relationship. There was also the matter of pride, I was out to prove my family and friends wrong, prove to the world and myself mostly that there was in fact someone out there willing to stay with me and “love” me, prove that despite all their misgivings we were good for each other.
  • I was wrong, they were right.
  • The effort of resisting all my inner misgivings and those of the people round me as well as changing myself to be his total servant to “make him happy” was finally too much and I broke. I completely lost myself, my sense of self and my identity. I felt into the deepest depression of my life, a dark place where suicide looked increasingly like the solution to all my problems.  I lived under a constant dark cloud, I only roused myself to go to school because I had too and to see him also because I felt like I had too. I gained even MORE weight due to my depression and  our constant diet of pizza and fast food.

  • By the end of our relationship even my closest friends didn’t recognize me. This is also because I pushed everyone away, isolating myself with the cause of my issues.

  •  He broke up with me, stating that my depression was something he couldn’t handle and that he had tried everything to help ( everything apparently consists of telling me I needed to get help two or three times), that I wasn’t the girl he had fallen in love with (maybe because I had changed myself to fit his lifestyle and demands?)

  •  I got over him surprisingly quickly, once released from the bonds I was too afraid to break myself much of my former self and vigor came back. Within the week I was glad we were FINALLY done and even grateful to him for doing what I couldn’t.
  •  About a week and a half after we broke up he called me crying saying he wanted me back and that he had made the biggest mistake of his life. I almost fell for this and agreed to meet with him to talk, much to my mother’s chagrin.  The night before we were to meet I had to text him at eleven o’clock at night to see about arrangements. When I asked if he still wanted to meet his response was “umm sure” does that sound like someone sincerely regretting having lost someone and desirous of getting them back? Yeah I didn’t think so either and finally told him we were better off apart and that we had gotten what we could out of the relationship. I was still trying to protect him and soften his pain despite the damage he had done to me.
  •  I effectively cut the last tie, put the last nail in the coffin or however you want to say it. His response was “ok I hope you have a good life”  he was really missing me huh? Yeah… not
  • I am better off without him. He lost most of his friends and contacts, and recently lost his job.
  •  He lost his friends because the real reason for braking  up with me was that as I was caught up in my crippling depression I was unable to satisfy him physically or be his perfect little subservient girlfriend when I could barely get myself to eat or get out of bed. He found someone else, he cheated on me with the girlfriend of one of his friends. I found this out illicitly after the fact when my best friend told me in spite of her being asked not to so as to not hurt me. I am grateful to her for that
  •   He lost his job because someone at his work found at that after breaking up with me and me subsequently rejecting him he started “dating” and by dating I mean sleeping with a 17 year old, he’s 26 and according to my friend who told me this he is also interested in a 14 year old *shudder* yeah I’m glad I’m away from that. 

This was done in list form because it just felt easier. As I said these things are more recent and as such still relatively fresh. I had memories and feelings stampeding through my mind and a list was just easier to do than to write out a condensed version as I was able to do with the first two.

I was 21 and he 22 here. This is from my personal collection. I still have these pictures as part of my steampunk collection and lets face it I look hot here lol
Until Next Time

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

The Second: Mitch


 I’m not very good with time keeping (dreadful actually) so I cannot accurately tell you how long it was between my first and second relationship but my estimate is around 6 – 7 months.  I still remember clearly the day I met Mitch and the day he asked me out as well as a handful of other good memories.   

In theory he was my dream boy, I tend to be attracted tall white skinny nerdy boys with long hair being a plus. Every girl has her dream proposal (as in having a guy ask them out) and mine was a cute nerdy boy hesitating and just being plain adorable and he fit that to a tee. Naturally I was head over feet for the short time we were together. Now sex is not a topic I plan to talk about much on this blog but I will mention that the chemistry between us was potent to say the least and we were the couple you felt embarrassed about seeing in public, I’m embarrassed about it now but at the time I simply did not care. 

He realized way before I did that other than this one connection we were wildly incompatible and broke it off aided by (I suspect) pressure from his friends. I say suspect because I never really got a straight answer or reason and have since come up with the best explanation I can fathom. 

As far as impact on my life goes, he was able to awake a sexuality in me that I didn't know existed (I had slept with Enrique but it was nothing compared to the chemistry between Mitch and I) and proved to me that there are boys out there like the one in my head. It was the time in my life when I for the first time in my life found people like me with the same interests and likes who didn't view me as some weirdo who didn't belong. 

He is now a “socialist” (as he calls himself) college dropout hipster type who lives in a commune and who is basically a follower to the more dominant personalities in his group of friends. Yeah totally not my scene.

I was 19 and he 18 here. Also from my tagged pictures on Facebook. Theres a few of these but this is my favorite, he is wearing my sunglasses and his actual glasses over them and I apparently found it hilarious

Until Next Time

PS Just realized he was also the first person I met that was as white as I who wasn't family

Monday, January 7, 2013

The First: Enrique


 He was my first boyfriend and the first guy to ever really pay attention to me in a romantic way and show it openly.  I had just “blossomed” and was at the time in the best shape and looks I’ve ever been (except for the really yellow teeth yeesh) and was possessed with a crippling self-esteem product of both the existence of a heavy case of co-dependence and emotional detachment in my family and the fact that I grew up as a white girl in Mexico, the consummate outsider, the white child in a sea of brown. He boosted my self-esteem and helped me get on my feet before trying to make me into the girl he wanted me to be with pretty florals and pink dresses and (in fact as evidenced by the name of this blog I’m much more of the darker type than stereotypically girly). Long story short I did my best to change myself to him and he became much of the focus of my life. I was also just starting college and getting my first taste of independence; I missed most of my classes and hung out with him instead most of the time. In the end he ended up cheating on me three different times with three different girls (a fact that only came to my attention much much later) before finally breaking up with me.

I was 17 and he ws 16 in this picture.  This is a cutout of a picture the guy below me tagged me in on Facebook which is the only reason I was able to find a pic of us together

 Until next time

Sunday, January 6, 2013

New year's resolution and first post stemming from it

I've been trying to get back into the habit of writing every day and I've gotten some pretty awesome ideas and then I haven’t capitalized on these ideas and heeded my inspiration. This is mostly due to the fact that they normally come at a time when I’m supposed to be sleeping or trying to; but it’s also because I’m lazy and due to my struggle with depression I have a lot of trouble with getting myself going and energized. No matter the inspiration my apathy and lack of drive tend to come out the victors. Now I'm making a conscious effort as my new year’s resolution to write more and anything from here on forward is whatever develops in my head. 

I used to write every day, have pages and pages of scribbled notes and story snippets. My head was always full to bursting with characters and stories and new worlds. Life got to me; I became concerned with society and friends and most importantly BOYfriends. This is cliché but ever since I became more sentient and started thinking about myself and who I am I’ve always felt a void in my life. This incompleteness and unbalance was always there no matter how happy or successful I was in my daily life. 

Balance that if a key word in my life. I'm not entirely sure I believe in astrology and all that predicting your future thing but I cannot deny that I identify extremely scarily well with my given sign: Gemini. I was born right smack dab in the middle of the Gemini cycle; seriously I'm one day from the exact middle, pretty damn close if you ask me.  Gemini is one of the four dual signs in the zodiac (Gemini, Pisces, Sagittarius and Virgo). Now this duality means different things to different people and for me it means the search for balance. I often feel lost, out of touch, aimless, like my feet aren't touching the ground and it is very scary. Because of this I have the very intense need for a force that would counteract this flightiness in my nature. 

My need for this crucial balance has manifested itself in many ways over the years. For example: In middle school through my early college years I wore a lot of bracelets and I always had the darker colored ones on one wrist and the lighter ones on the other, my favorite color is purple (a perfect mix of blue and red, warm and cool), My favorite numbers are always multiples of two (except for 9 but that in itself is another duality seeing as my absolute favorite number 6 is pictorially speaking the opposite of 9; a mirror image). My duality is also expressed in less balanced ways like in the way my hair length has alternated from long to short abruptly and back again several times over these past years and how my room is either obsessively clean or grossly cluttered. You know the term cleanliness is next to Godliness? Well in my case balance would be my God, my ultimate goal. It is only in the last 8-10 months that I have become aware of all these things, before they were just unconscious, things that just felt good or right. 

You may ask yourself why I went on a tangent about balance when I was talking about boyfriends; remember that void I mentioned earlier? Because of my recent exploration of self I have been able to determine that the void represents an imbalance. I've been in the words of a favorite singer/songwriter of mine "looking in another place for what you don't find in yourself" (Es buscar en otra parte lo que no encuentras en ti) heh come to think about it the song talks about love being a dual thing as well *sigh*

I’ve had 4 boyfriends who I consider actual boyfriends (there  few other guys I dated but who didn’t have much of an impact on my life and to whom I felt little to no connection.) Since I seems to pouring myself into these pages and describing myself and my feelings to God knows who I guess I will go on to describe them and who they were to me and my life. The first two will be comparably brief because of the fact that they were both a long time ago and also had less of an impact than the last two.  I originally tried to fit this all into one huge enormous gigantic post but it is waay too long; so  instead it will be broken up into four posts describing them. Stay tuned I guess?


Funny Things to Ponder