I've been trying to get back into the habit of writing every day and I've gotten some pretty awesome ideas and then I haven’t capitalized on these ideas and heeded my inspiration. This is mostly due to the fact that they normally come at a time when I’m supposed to be sleeping or trying to; but it’s also because I’m lazy and due to my struggle with depression I have a lot of trouble with getting myself going and energized. No matter the inspiration my apathy and lack of drive tend to come out the victors. Now I'm making a conscious effort as my new year’s resolution to write more and anything from here on forward is whatever develops in my head.
I used to write every day, have pages and pages of scribbled notes and story snippets. My head was always full to bursting with characters and stories and new worlds. Life got to me; I became concerned with society and friends and most importantly BOYfriends. This is cliché but ever since I became more sentient and started thinking about myself and who I am I’ve always felt a void in my life. This incompleteness and unbalance was always there no matter how happy or successful I was in my daily life.
Balance that if a key word in my life. I'm not entirely sure I believe in astrology and all that predicting your future thing but I cannot deny that I identify extremely scarily well with my given sign: Gemini. I was born right smack dab in the middle of the Gemini cycle; seriously I'm one day from the exact middle, pretty damn close if you ask me. Gemini is one of the four dual signs in the zodiac (Gemini, Pisces, Sagittarius and Virgo). Now this duality means different things to different people and for me it means the search for balance. I often feel lost, out of touch, aimless, like my feet aren't touching the ground and it is very scary. Because of this I have the very intense need for a force that would counteract this flightiness in my nature.
My need for this crucial balance has manifested itself in many ways over the years. For example: In middle school through my early college years I wore a lot of bracelets and I always had the darker colored ones on one wrist and the lighter ones on the other, my favorite color is purple (a perfect mix of blue and red, warm and cool), My favorite numbers are always multiples of two (except for 9 but that in itself is another duality seeing as my absolute favorite number 6 is pictorially speaking the opposite of 9; a mirror image). My duality is also expressed in less balanced ways like in the way my hair length has alternated from long to short abruptly and back again several times over these past years and how my room is either obsessively clean or grossly cluttered. You know the term cleanliness is next to Godliness? Well in my case balance would be my God, my ultimate goal. It is only in the last 8-10 months that I have become aware of all these things, before they were just unconscious, things that just felt good or right.
You may ask yourself why I went on a tangent about balance when I was talking about boyfriends; remember that void I mentioned earlier? Because of my recent exploration of self I have been able to determine that the void represents an imbalance. I've been in the words of a favorite singer/songwriter of mine "looking in another place for what you don't find in yourself" (Es buscar en otra parte lo que no encuentras en ti) heh come to think about it the song talks about love being a dual thing as well *sigh*
I’ve had 4 boyfriends who I consider actual boyfriends (there few other guys I dated but who didn’t have much of an impact on my life and to whom I felt little to no connection.) Since I seems to pouring myself into these pages and describing myself and my feelings to God knows who I guess I will go on to describe them and who they were to me and my life. The first two will be comparably brief because of the fact that they were both a long time ago and also had less of an impact than the last two. I originally tried to fit this all into one huge enormous gigantic post but it is waay too long; so instead it will be broken up into four posts describing them. Stay tuned I guess?