Wednesday, January 9, 2013

The Third: Alex


 This was my longest relationship and lasted 2 ½ years. He helped me get over Mitch and we originally started dating as just a good time and a physical relationship until it turned into more. We were happy for about half the time we were together and then things started going south.  This description may sound like an ex- girlfriend talking shit about her ex – boyfriend but I promise I’m actually just stating facts or things that I believe and that are held to be generally true. I don’t like talking shit about other people, I try not to actually, and I don’t want to be “that” girl. 

  •  He was the first guy I seriously dated who was older than I, a good step in the right direction in retrospect :)

  • I am much smarter than him, and as a consequence of this I had to constantly "dumb myself down" to be able to fit into his life. The loss of my habit of writing and voraciously reading whatever I could were also because of this.

  • I was good for him, I taught him to dress better, helped him with his ADHD, taught him to cook a few things although I’m sure he doesn’t, I made him happy, helped him be less of an ass in public, I introduced him to many people that were also a good influence on him

  • I settled for him and he knew it, he even said so once.

  •  He helped me get over my ex, brought me back form the edge of anorexia (of course that came with a big weight gain), helped me get out of the toxic environment of my sister’s house, introduced me to tabletop gaming, helped me with rides to and from school when I had no money

  • He became the complete center of my life and because of this he could get away with anything, my only interest was to make him happy and I neglected myself as a result. 

  • None of my friends or family liked him or understood our relationship

  • After things went downhill our relationship became an abusive one, although of course he and his family would say I was the abuser because I’m one of those girls who likes to play rough.

  • He was neglectful, selfish, domineering, manipulative and condescending with a terrible temper that seriously made me fear actual physical violence more than once.

  •  In the back of my mind these facts were always blaring at me but I always pushed them to the back of my mind, ignoring them.  The main reason I never broke up with him was out of fear:  fear of never finding someone who would want to be with me other than him, fear of losing the intimacy formed over the long period of time we were together and fear of failing again of “ruining” another relationship. There was also the matter of pride, I was out to prove my family and friends wrong, prove to the world and myself mostly that there was in fact someone out there willing to stay with me and “love” me, prove that despite all their misgivings we were good for each other.
  • I was wrong, they were right.
  • The effort of resisting all my inner misgivings and those of the people round me as well as changing myself to be his total servant to “make him happy” was finally too much and I broke. I completely lost myself, my sense of self and my identity. I felt into the deepest depression of my life, a dark place where suicide looked increasingly like the solution to all my problems.  I lived under a constant dark cloud, I only roused myself to go to school because I had too and to see him also because I felt like I had too. I gained even MORE weight due to my depression and  our constant diet of pizza and fast food.

  • By the end of our relationship even my closest friends didn’t recognize me. This is also because I pushed everyone away, isolating myself with the cause of my issues.

  •  He broke up with me, stating that my depression was something he couldn’t handle and that he had tried everything to help ( everything apparently consists of telling me I needed to get help two or three times), that I wasn’t the girl he had fallen in love with (maybe because I had changed myself to fit his lifestyle and demands?)

  •  I got over him surprisingly quickly, once released from the bonds I was too afraid to break myself much of my former self and vigor came back. Within the week I was glad we were FINALLY done and even grateful to him for doing what I couldn’t.
  •  About a week and a half after we broke up he called me crying saying he wanted me back and that he had made the biggest mistake of his life. I almost fell for this and agreed to meet with him to talk, much to my mother’s chagrin.  The night before we were to meet I had to text him at eleven o’clock at night to see about arrangements. When I asked if he still wanted to meet his response was “umm sure” does that sound like someone sincerely regretting having lost someone and desirous of getting them back? Yeah I didn’t think so either and finally told him we were better off apart and that we had gotten what we could out of the relationship. I was still trying to protect him and soften his pain despite the damage he had done to me.
  •  I effectively cut the last tie, put the last nail in the coffin or however you want to say it. His response was “ok I hope you have a good life”  he was really missing me huh? Yeah… not
  • I am better off without him. He lost most of his friends and contacts, and recently lost his job.
  •  He lost his friends because the real reason for braking  up with me was that as I was caught up in my crippling depression I was unable to satisfy him physically or be his perfect little subservient girlfriend when I could barely get myself to eat or get out of bed. He found someone else, he cheated on me with the girlfriend of one of his friends. I found this out illicitly after the fact when my best friend told me in spite of her being asked not to so as to not hurt me. I am grateful to her for that
  •   He lost his job because someone at his work found at that after breaking up with me and me subsequently rejecting him he started “dating” and by dating I mean sleeping with a 17 year old, he’s 26 and according to my friend who told me this he is also interested in a 14 year old *shudder* yeah I’m glad I’m away from that. 

This was done in list form because it just felt easier. As I said these things are more recent and as such still relatively fresh. I had memories and feelings stampeding through my mind and a list was just easier to do than to write out a condensed version as I was able to do with the first two.

I was 21 and he 22 here. This is from my personal collection. I still have these pictures as part of my steampunk collection and lets face it I look hot here lol
Until Next Time

Funny Things to Ponder