Monday, March 4, 2013

The Fourth: Danny


This post will be different from the others in that I literally just wrote what I felt after months of not being able to.

I’m stuck in a kind of limbo. I'm not completely over Danny and yet I know it’s for the best. As I’ve said a lot these past few days my heart has caught up to my mind finally. Or so I thought. He has been absent from my dreams for the most part and his name echoes in my brain without really carrying any weight. With all my exes with the exception of Alex that’s the sign of being done. Alex of course being the exception only because of the damage he had wrought and getting away from him was like breathing pure air for the first time in years, literal years.

Daniel on the other hand... my thoughts of him have been reduced to the faint echoing of his name and the dried up remains of the fluttering in my heart it used to cause. If he makes an appearance in my head nowadays its in the form of "revenge fantasies" of him seeing that I'm as fine and as recovered as he was from the very beginning. He didn’t help my self-esteem issues on that account although I understand his motivations and they aren’t hurtful as the others were. I still have a tremendous amount of resect admiration and pure affection for him but they are also now mixed with a deeper understanding and a heaping helping of sadness and pity for him.

He is broken, she broke him; she and his parents’ divorce cracked and maybe even shattered his core. I was just one in what I suspect will be a long line of girls to be ensnared by the essential goodness that is found in him but rebuffed and pushed away by his never ending quest for complete control and his philosophy that emotions aren’t worth the pain.

I can understand him on that part there have been and still are many moments where I wished for numbness and total disconnection of the logical emotionless mind from the basest instincts of emotion and pain. The difference of course being that I got over those episodes and realized how unhealthy and inhuman being totally disconnected would make me. Maybe it’s just because I’m a deeply emotional creature and a girl to boot.

I could go on for pages describing him and the discoveries I’ve made about him and how he made me feel but every time I try I can’t. Some things are just too precious to let out of my heart and brain and onto paper. 

As I said I believe I am over him. I'm fully aware that we wouldn’t work and that if we were together it would only mean more pain for me. Do I still find him and anyone that remotely looks like him or reminds me of him attractive? You bet your ass. Its unavoidable, I like boys with talent and control and considering he can kick quite a few people’s asses seven ways from Sunday its kind of hard not to be attracted to him.

I thought I was fine with the possibility of seeing him again and I’m sure that if the occasion did arise I would be able to pull it off fine and that a layer of protective scar tissue would form really quickly over my heart if it did. so tell me why it is that when I found out that my friends including my newly minted fwb were all hanging out together with him and said fwb didn’t tell me probably out of not wanting to provoke this exact reaction I got a surge of adrenaline and my fight or flight instinct kicked in full force never mind the fact that I was miles way and in a different country.

My point in writing this was to get it out of my mind and heart and it worked. I am in  limbo in which my mind and my heart (mostly... it’s like a step behind) are ok and over him but my base instincts still trigger the fight or flight instinct when I see him or think of him in a situation in which I conceivably might see him. I appreciate Jorge not telling me he was there in the sense that he either didn’t think to say it (very unlikely) or decided not to tell me unless I asked just in case I wasn’t ok with Danny being there. It still hurt though... Well I guess that’s it for now...

 We were messing around making fun of the fact that he had been the judge of a martial arts tournament the day before. Hence he was giving me his best judging face, long story short I was deemed worthy hehehe

This picture was actually taken before the previous one and the story is simply that during his vacation to hawaii (lucky bastard) he had let his beard grow out and wore that hat and his ever present green khakis the whole time and they started calling him Fidel Castro except he didn't have the glasses. I gifted them to him as a surprise when he got back.


Funny Things to Ponder